


silly me, i thought love was real & the body imaginary

by algiers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Hoshiumi POV, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/algiers/pseuds/algiers
Summary: After the deed, then comes the habit. Every kiss, every sleight of hand, every look, imprinted and imbued to muscle memory. Second nature was to claim his lover in the way he so longed for.
Relationships: Hirugami Sachirou/Hoshiumi Kourai
Comments: 16
Kudos: 34





	silly me, i thought love was real & the body imaginary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daedalust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daedalust/gifts).



> first of all, thank you so much jade / ao3 wheatfields for beta reading the mess of a draft i owe u big time! 
> 
> the title is from Ocean Vuong's poem called 'Eurydice'

The first of spring feels the coldest. Snow lingers on the pavement but life from the ground below begins to blossom upwards and enter into a new light. Lush greens, clear blues, and sakura pinks breeze the air with a crisp, potent smell of fresh blooms and new beginnings. It wraps everyone who wishes to welcome the brand new season in a sweet succinct smell. Hummingbird melodies lull the morning away, waking all that yearns for tomorrow. 

For Hoshiumi Kourai, the perfect place to welcome Spring has always been in his hometown, Nagano. It boasts for the prefecture with the longest Winter which makes for the anticipation of a fresh start all the more exciting.

He’s home for a week to take a break from the recently ended volleyball season. The bustling life of the Tokyo center is also starting to feel a bit overwhelming and a short visit home might help him get his mind off certain things too. For the first few days, helping out his mother in the kitchen and going through his father’s old manga collection were the activities that he indulged in. 

In the latter part of the week, he let the days fly by, sulking in his childhood bedroom. When he feels productive, he would watch recordings of his games and take notes on what needs to be improved once he gets back to training. It did feel like rest to him because he wasn’t seen near a volleyball. Although, daily exercises and journaling were parts of his regimen that he couldn’t take out.

It’s down to his last day in Nagano and he hasn’t told anyone that he’s here. Maybe it slipped out of his mind. Maybe it’s because he's been busy catching up with his family but Kourai knows better than to lie to himself. Despite trying to preoccupy himself with mini-tasks, the one thing that he’s trying to avoid in Nagano persists in coming to mind. He pushes back those thoughts so that he can continue having a good time. For a while, he was convinced it’ll work. That this break will be a peaceful one without remembering the recent events but of course, it won’t. Not when every bone in your body still holds on to the feeling. Attempts at masking real emotions always end up futile and do not guarantee anything. 

All this and being cooped in his room is only going to make the denial worse so he decides to take a breather by taking a walk ‘round town.

“Mom, I’ll be back before dinner!” Bundled up in sweaters and hiding his disheveled hair under a cap, he announces to the kitchen and takes out his shoes from the genkan. 

There’s a small park where cherry blossoms thrive near the suburban neighborhood where the Hoshiumis live. Today’s weather is the best it's been for the week. 

On the way there, Kourai takes in a lot of things at once. A faint smell of asphalt coming from the freshly paved ground from what used to be a road filled with holes and mud. The lot where neighborhood sundry stores used to stand has been bought in acquisition to be part of a bigger commercial complex. 

Just by looking around, he realized a lot has changed since then. These places used to feel the most familiar to him. He remembers everything clearly as though it was from today, the long way home, and random stops to get his favorite snacks. 

It’s such a weird feeling to be back in your hometown after leaving for your own better pursuits. Not that he doesn’t visit often but when you’ve known a place so well, minor shifts can seem like monumental changes. Even just for a short period.

The park packs several people. Locals and tourists capture the photogenic sights in front of them. Tuning out the sound of laughter and conversations into otherly noise, he searches for a spot where there are fewer people for some solitude. 

He finds a small bridge above a pond near the back end of the park and settles there. The sound of birds chirping, water streams, and tired pensive sighs. He looks around and is quite unsure where to place himself even though he is home. Every time he visits, there’s a sudden, almost jarring change of pace from the flashy plays on the court to the humble lives of the suburbia. 

Rarely does Hoshiumi Kourai bring a melancholic cloud with him. The star that shone so brightly, currently dim and dull. Maybe it’s all the pent-up emotions he’s brought with him. Ranging from deep-rooted resentment to plain, old indifference. Lost in a trance, thoughts he’s been pushing back the moment he arrived in Nagano return to him. 

“Kourai-kun.” Sachirou carefully examines the look on his face, searching for the slightest hint of hesitation. “Are you sure about this?” He asks so delicately as if Kourai were a fragile thing.

“ _Sachirou_. When have I not been sure?” He deadpans. Hoshiumi is not a man of second guesses.

A caress on the cheek and soft laughter. “You haven’t but I just wanted to make sure...that we’re two consenting adults keen on making this decision.” Emphasizing the last line. 

He honestly doesn’t know how they both arrived at this discussion. Two bottles of beers in and an intimate conversation about their sex lives and now they’re here. The proposition of two close friends strictly having a physical relationship with each other landed on the table. Both busy with their respective careers and can’t be bothered to go out and meet someone new, they believed this option is the most suitable for their lifestyles. Nothing but sex, to simply put. 

“I’m sure. As long as you are.” He says wholeheartedly. In his mind, he puts Sachirou’s best interests as his number one priority. Like he always does. This seems to be the best choice for him too. Letting out some steam came second. Although he really can’t deny his attraction towards his best friend, 6’5 feet tall, great built, and apparently a charmer in bed.

“Good. Just friends participating in a purely sexual relationship. Nothing would surely change.” 

“ _Yeah. Just friends”_

Words that would ring in his head for every moment that he’s with _him_. 

_Just friends—_ he says to himself, ruthless. There’s a hunger in the first kiss that cannot be consummated just yet so they keep doing it again and again and _again_. Mouths bruising and teeth sinking. In rough edges and sensitive spots. His friendly lover’s lips part, breathless but he’s more eager than sorry. Slipping in his tongue to relinquish the thirst, in turn, it gets nipped in the bud. Both savage and sweet, the taste of his mouth’s masterful ministrations. 

_Just friends_ —he says to himself, shameless. Hands all over each other. Skin is hot to touch but fingers are ice cold, fiddling away. They tear each other apart until there’s no longer anything left of them to unravel. No gap between the flesh. With each piece of clothing falling on the floor, he slowly becomes undone but he too witnesses nakedness in front of him no acquaintance has ever seen before. Looking intently at each other, completely vulnerable, now with nothing to hide. It is the graceful, total surrender of oneself. 

_Just friends_ —he says to himself, reckless. With nothing to lose and everything to gain, they delimitate what little space there is left between them. And they do this with fierce, swift movements. Pace steadies for a moment and then it’s back again to ruinous motions. The body can only take so much of the thrusts from behind but he pushes himself to the limit. He arches his back and in turn, he receives soft, nimble kisses on his nape. Sounds of pleasure and fill the room all night. They don’t think of the aching that’s to come for tomorrow. Right now, he is _his_ to be shattered and then rebuilt. 

After the deed, then comes the habit. _Every kiss, every sleight of hand, every look,_ imprinted and imbued to muscle memory. Second nature was to claim his lover in the way he so longed for. 

And nobody knew what they were up to. Some days they were careful but most days they’re impatient. The thrill of the secret seems to rile them up. 

During casual hang-outs with a group, they act nothing as they do after hours. But under their friends and family’s noses were knowing looks and stolen touches.

Kourai would take one-day visits to Nagano to meet with his _friend_ after work, evading everybody that knew him. He would be the first to slip out after practices and even games. Teammates growing suspicious. 

“Hoshiumi-san. Are you seeing someone?” Kageyama asked him one time in the locker room. Everybody in the Schweiden Adlers was also there, joining in putting him on the hot seat. He looks around and sees Fukuro Hirugami sneering at him. “What? I am not. What makes you say that?” He scoffs. 

“Really? Huh. ‘Cuz you seemed to be less obnoxious these days. I also assumed that.” His team captain chimed in. “And...you’re glowing with so much happiness it makes you look crazy. Aha! you _are_ seeing someone. Sachirou looks like that too and I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone.” 

He brushes off the last comment and crosses his arms. “No! Psh. I am a single man and I’m too busy being great to get into dating.” 

Sarcasm removed, technically, what he said was true. But it felt bitter coming out from his mouth. 

“Yeah, nevermind. Forget it. You’re too lame to get into a relationship.” Fukuro dropped the subject and everyone returned to their own thing.

“What that’s supposed to mean!” He demanded back but the captain already left the room. 

Well, maybe nobody knowing about them was partially a lie. For every time he would ring the door to Sachirou’s apartment, Kotarou, his best friend’s childhood dog, would run to his arms, no longer a stranger to be wary of.

Innocent days and lustful nights made up their months. It lasted longer than they were expecting but it didn’t matter. The only thing that they were keeping track of was how good it felt to be held like this. Maybe it was indeed the nice decision to add a new layer to their friendship, he thinks. Sachirou too looked happier than he’d ever been and Kourai wanted to believe that he was part of the reason for it. 

But he should have known better. 

“Kourai-kun?” Sachirou calls him with his back turned against him. Soft moonlight illuminates the skin. Hoshiumi is painfully awake, resisting the urge to trace the lines on the man’s spine and to snuggle on the space between his neck and shoulders.

“Mmmmh?” Kourai murmurs. _Does he want to do it again?_

There’s a pause before Sachirou speaks again. “I think we should stop” He gestures to the both of them “ _this_.” 

“I can’t keep doing this anymore. I don’t see a future in this set-up.” He continues. 

In disbelief, Hoshiumi wanted to lash out at him and scream _Are you crazy? Are you trying to ruin the fun we’re having?_ but it occurred to him that he might be the only one thinking that.

Within a split second understanding of the situation at hand, he turns to his number one priority which is Sachirou’s best interests. He immediately understood how Sachirou no longer wanted to be tangled up in all of their complications. He thought _if this is what will make him happy, then it should be no big deal to me. I’ll be where he’s content._

“Yeah. I think so too.” In a matter of seconds, he responds. With a tone so solemn, the other almost couldn’t hear it. But he does because there’s nothing but silence between them. And maybe after this, there won’t be anything else left too.

He then turned to his side of the bed. Their backs now turned against each other. “ _Just friends, right?”_ He added. This was his breaking point as if he hadn’t been hearing it all this time. 

He wanted to know if what they had could bloom into something more but he realizes that the only thing real here is the body and its cravings. The connection he thought he saw during those nights, was lost the moment he had been broken up without being looked in the eye. If he can even call it a break-up. The entire premise of their set-up was prioritizing physical passion over emotional realness. It wouldn’t be a surprise to end once their needs have been sated.

All good things come to an end. Sachirou had just been the first one to arrive at that realization. 

“ _Just friends."_ Hirugami mimics. 

First thing in the morning and he took all of his belongings with him. Hoping the bed won’t be as empty as the one who’d left it. One last bid to Kotarou and he was good to go. 

The wind blows in his direction nudging him out of his reverie. He wonders how long he’s been staring into the empty space. Another gust of wind and flowers and leaves fall on his face. A faint smile in appreciation for the little things. Cold air fogging up in exhales, he puts his hands on his coat pockets for extra warmth. He starts walking but he doesn’t know where he’s off to. 

He follows the imaginary map of his unconscious lead him to a place he can claim as a sanctuary. There wouldn’t be a problem of getting lost since he’s more than familiar with the place. The path he takes is steep and cold. 

Climbing a set of stairs whilst taking big steps. Walking for quite a while now, his feet begin to ache. Exhaustion aside, he looks up and sees the orange hues spread flat on the horizon in front of him. The view sends him to a series of deja vus but real memories strike him instead.

Only then he realizes that he does know where he’s headed, he just didn’t have the strength to acknowledge it. And of course, it’s here. Denial only takes you to its roots. 

Kourai realizes this alone. 

First, he remembers the same old stone wall. Made of rocks and concrete, of man’s hard work, and of the test of time. Standing unchanging after all these years. But for Kourai, the burdensome worries of achieving greatness and following the predestined paths expected from someone had laid the foundation of the stone wall. And then it’s toughened by the strengths of recognizing one's weaknesses and the detachment from mistakes. It’s also formed by losses and victories. He wants to believe that he and Sachirou had built this wall. The lessons they learned from each other materialized in that place. He wanted to believe in it _so bad._

But to his left he is a tall figure, watching the sunset too. The back of someone whom he utterly memorizes. 

Hirugami isn’t aware of Kourai’s presence yet. He’s too taken in with the glorious sunset. Hoshiumi would be too if he didn’t unknowingly land on the site of confrontation. The moment gets more real when Hirugami looks in his direction and realizes he’s not alone on the hill anymore.

  
  


“ _Kourai-kun? Is that you?_ ” Doe-eyes are wide in shock. 

Too late to turn around now. 

Harsh light from the sunset cast a shadow on his face, he’s almost a silhouette. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” The only words that he can muster out of all of the possible permutations there are. His voice shaking, taking up all of his strength to form a dignified response. 

Hirugami takes a step forward but he wants to preserve the space between. He moves back in return. Wary from the last he has been hurt. “Fukuro ni-san was home and...Gao texted me. I took the chance of catching you by going here every day.”

“For what?” Disdain rising on his tongue. “Do you have something further to tell me?” He continues. 

Radio silence. Here they are, standing once more at the precipice of change like they did all those years ago. Edge of the cliff of their friendship. _If there’s anything still left of it._ At that same stone wall where they first met. Words emptied out of them. 

Clearing his throat before he spoke. “You left so early that morning and I couldn’t get a hold of you anymore. I wanted to say sor—” 

“ _Don’t_ you dare continue what you were going to say _._ It makes me feel like you regret what we did. Spare me a bit of my ego. Say _Sachirou_ , did you regret it?” Kourai doesn’t mince his words. 

“N-no! I did not regret every minute of it. Believe me, when I say what we shared during those nights made me feel the warmest. It...just didn’t fulfill me anymore and I can see that it wasn’t good for the both of us.” There’s the sound of defeat in his voice like he just lost something important. 

Kourai tried to fill the space between with an enrapturing gaze that conveys a million things he wishes to say. “Well if you think that way, I think the best thing we can do right now is to allow time apart to let us think clearly. Before we completely move on from our past decisions. It’s not something we can go over so easily. But I promise to come back here one day and maybe, we can try again.” Hopeful. He-- They can move past this. 

Sachirou nods in response with a hint of relief in his eyes. There’s pretty much nothing left to be said but he smiles for the first since their meeting. They take in the last few seconds of the sunset before it completely goes dark.

The first of spring feels the coldest. There’s still snow on the pavement and some flowers refuse to bloom from the ground up. Withered branches, grey fog, and dried-up blossoms fill the air with the dull, colly smell of winter’s remnants. All grim and dark, night glooms the earliest even before you know it. Birds stay in their makeshift homes and wish they can hibernate some more. There is nothing to look forward to on this day of spring.

When Kourai left that evening, he had never been more afraid to return to that stone wall. He may have said that they will try again but there is no guarantee. Uncertain of what will welcome him once he attempts to watch sunsets from that view again. It can either fortify an already solid foundation and last for many more years to come. But he could also return to remainders of collected debris and dust from what used to stand there so strongly. All that they worked so hard, lost in the rubble of previous mistakes.

_For Hoshiumi Kourai, all he wanted to ask was: if spring opens up for new beginnings, how come it feels like most things have ended for me?_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reaching the end of the fic! this is my first one and I'm only testing the waters on writing 
> 
> feel free to chat me on twitter its @timevessel ❤️


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